“Oh, a storm is threat’ning, my very life today,

If I don’t get some shelter, oh yeah, I’m gonna fade away”

-The Rolling Stones, “Gimme Shelter”

Part of the fun of being a horror fan is the process of wading through a bunch of low-budget, and lesser known horror movies to find a hidden gem. This is a neat thing we horror fans like to tell ourselves as a way to excuse the fact we watch way too many shitty movies. This should be less of an issue now in the age of streaming services, and rotten tomatoes/imdb/a million blogs/websites/podcasts, because theoretically it should be much easier to figure out which movies are worth your time, and which ones are not. I don’t believe you should use those things as gospel, but I do think they can be used as a tool in helping you avoid the really bad shit. Luckily, I have absolutely no respect for my time, and sometimes I pick a movie based solely on it’s cover art. Which brings us to DEAD LIST.

Ha. That cover art isn’t even that good. I just looked at it again. I guess I was just in the mood to watch something that had cover art that looks like it could have been painted on the tailgate of an F-150. Anyway, DEAD LIST follows a group of “Hollywood actors” that are auditioning for a role in the latest Martin Scorsese movie. Unfortunately for these fellas, they have also been cursed by a demonic force from an ancient text that has been conjured by one of the actors that is looking to get the role BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. The movie plays out like a anthology film, with each actor being hunted down and killed in what amounts to their own separate short films, but honestly I couldn’t get over the auditioning for a Scorsese movie aspect of the film. I’m not making that part up. They specifically say it’s a Martin Scorsese movie these guys are auditioning for.

This group of actors being considered for a part in a Scorsese movie seems like a leap. One that I was not willing to make with the makers of DEAD LIST. I’m trying to figure out what movie Scorsese would have been filming–or preparing to film– around the time that DEAD LIST was shot. I can’t find the production dates for DEAD LIST, but I would assume it was filmed at some point last year. I’m just gonna go with that even if it wasn’t. So, if it was filmed in 2017, that would put Scorsese in pre-production on THE IRISHMAN. I’m definitely not buying it, guys.

No offense to the dudes in DEAD LIST, but the role they are up for seems to be a pretty coveted part in THE IRISHMAN; so coveted, in fact, that one of the actors makes a pact with an ancient evil to attain it. Here’s just some of the cast of THE IRISHMAN:

Robert Deniro, Joe Pesci, Al Pacino, Bobby Canavale, Harvey Keitel, Anna Paquin, Jack Huston, Jesse Plemmons, and Ray Romano. Those are the bigger roles in the movie, and I’m guessing most of these actors didn’t have to audition, so these are definitely not the parts that the DEAD LIST guys were trying out for, and if they were it would be completely out of the realm of possibility, and I think the filmmakers know that. I do think these guys are going for one of the bigger roles in the movie though, because at some point one of them says “Hollywood is a giant buffet line, and everyone is gunning for crab legs” (woof), but even as I scroll through some of the side characters, I think these roles are probably implausible as well.

Judging by the age (30ish?) and look (white guys) of these characters, I think the three most likely roles in THE IRISHMAN they could be auditioning for are: Phil Testa, Sally Bugs, and Allen Dorfman.  Here is a quick breakdown of the actors playing those roles:

The character of “Sally Bugs” is played by Louis Cancelmi. Louis has had regular roles on The Looming Tower, Billions, and the Scorsese produced HBO show, Boardwalk Empire. Since Cancelmi has worked with Scorsese in the past, I’m guessing Scorsese had him in mind when casting the part of Sally Bugs. There is no way the DEAD LIST guys would have been invited to audition for this part. Also, I don’t think they are Italian.

“Allen Dorfman” is a possibility, but the character is being played by Jake Hoffman, another much more accomplished actor than the gentlemen in DEAD LIST (I haven’t seen these guys in jack shit. What are they trying to pull here?), who worked with Scorsese in the past on WOLF OF WALL STREET. I’m also eliminating “Phil Testa”, because the character, and the actor playing him, seems much older than the guys in DEAD LIST, and I didn’t really look that closely at his IMDb picture when picking him as a possibility, so I wasted my own time there. In fact, I’m going to just scroll down to the bit parts, because those are the most likely roles these guys could be auditioning for, despite the “crab legs” comment.

None of these guys scream “Teamster” or “Inmate”, and those are like 90% of the male roles in THE IRISHMAN, so I’m going to eliminate those right off the bat. The two I’ve narrowed it down to as the most likely roles are “Poll Volunteer” and “Gas Station Patron”. “Poll Volunteer” seems like it might be a bigger role, and is played by someone with quite a bit of acting experience, so that one is out.

I’ve decided that the gentlemen from DEAD LIST are auditioning for the role of “Gas Station Patron”, as that role seems like it could very well be a non-speaking role, and is played by Jake Wells, whose IMDb is mostly made up of short film appearances, and uncredited parts in television shows. I think that is probably the level the DEAD LIST actors are operating on. Here’s the thing though, at the end of DEAD LIST one the actors gets the part in the Scorsese movie, but is immediately killed by the unseen force right before the credits hit. So, if you put two-and-two together, Jake Wells is actually the malevolent force conjured by these men, and that’s how he got the part of “Gas Station Patron” in THE IRISHMAN. Look out, Marty!

Anyway, this whole Scorsese audition thing could have just been some sort of self-aware joke by the movie, and I just got bored and caught up in it. It could be the makers of DEAD LIST saying,  “Hey, come on now. We know we aren’t the best actors, so that’s why it’s funny that we are auditioning for a Martin Scorsese movie of all things.” DEAD LIST is tagged as both “comedy” and “horror’ on IMDB, so maybe that one joke was enough to qualify it in the comedy category, because the rest of the movie isn’t that funny, or self-aware. Here’s an example:

One of the death scenes in DEAD LIST revolves around one of the white guys auditioning for the part of “Gas Station Patron” getting pulled over by the cops. Unbeknownst to the white actor, the “Dead List” spirit has transformed the white actor into a black male. On top of that, he has been transformed into a black male that is wanted for murder, I think? I don’t know what the guy is wanted for, but the police pull him over, open fire on him, and kill the white actor thinking that he’s the wanted black man. Lol eeeeeek. PROBLEMATIC.

To sum it all up, DEAD LIST is a bad movie and you shouldn’t watch it. THE IRISHMAN looks really good though, and I can’t wait to see it.