” You take the good, you take the bad,  you take them both,  and there you have the facts of life, the facts of life”

-Alan Thicke, Gloria Loring, and Al Burton “The Facts of Life Seasons 2-5 Theme Song”

 

My dog goes to the bathroom in the house every once in a while. Sometimes it’s not her fault. She has urinary incontinence, so when she gets really relaxed, or falls asleep, her sphincter loosens and she just kind of leaks all over. Sometimes it’s totally her fault though. One time, when we were asleep she wasn’t able to wake us up by crying and whining next to our faces, so she went downstairs and pooped in one of my fiance’s shoes. She knew exactly what she was doing that time. My dog also gets mad when we leave her to go out to dinner, or a movie, or whatever, and sometimes we’ll find my fiance’s shoes torn apart in the middle of the living room if we leave them out. My dog hate’s my fiance’s shoes is the point of this story. I used to get angry about all of this, but now I don’t really because A) they aren’t my shoes, and B) my dog is super cute. How can I get mad at this face?

THE CLEANSE is more of a romantic comedy/drama than a horror movie, but it has creatures in it, and I needed something a bit lighter with all that’s going on in the world right now, so it’s close enough. With his significant other having just left him, and also just having lost his job, Paul Berger (Johnny Galecki) is looking for a fresh start. One day he comes across a self-help program that promises to cleanse people both physically, and mentally. The program takes place at a secluded campground where he meets three others looking to cleanse themselves as well. The group does so by drinking a disgusting looking beverage given to them by Angelica Houston as soon as they arrive on the campgrounds, because when Angelica Houston gives you something you take it and don’t ask questions. They all choke down the beverage, and within a few hours the drink causes the members of the group to vomit out gunky/cute little creatures that begin to grow faster than they can control. As the creatures continue to grow, it forces Paul, and the others–specifically fellow camper, and ex-actress, Maggie–to make a choice: Kill them? Or let them continue to grow?

THE CLEANSE hit the festival circuit a couple years back, but was recently released on VOD/DVD/Blu about month ago. It’s the debut feature film for Bobby Miller, and was written when he went on a “master cleanse” which consists of  consuming nothing other than a blend of lemon juice, water, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. I knew a guy who did this exact cleanse pretty regularly, and you would always know when he was doing it, because he would never shut up about it, and also because he would be an irritable asshole while he was on it.

For a debut feature film, Miller got a pretty good cast together. In addition to Galecki; Angelica Houston, Oliver Platt, Anna Friel, Kevin J. O’Conner, Kyle Gallner, round out the cast, and they are all pretty good.  Galecki is definitely the lead though. I don’t really have an opinion on THE BIG BANG THEORY. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an entire episode start to finish, tbh. I mainly know Galecki from ROSEANNE, and I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, and I’ve always liked him. He’s good in THE CLEANSE, which is nice because this is a tricky role to pull off. Galecki is a Sad Sack here–and maybe a tinge pathetic– but he still has to pull off being likeable, and I think he does a nice job doing so. The rest of the cast brings it as well, even if they are a bit underutilized. Angelica Houston and Oliver Platt are really glorified cameos in this one, and Anna Friel works well with what she’s got, which isn’t a ton.

That’s one of the biggest issues I had with THE CLEANSE: It feels too brief, and a little undercooked. The movie introduces us to a group of characters that it never takes the time to flesh out. Everything about them feels like early draft character sketches. Kyle Gallner’s character is an alcoholic, and can be moody at times. Anna Friel is a cold, shut-off, ex-actress. That’s really all we ever know about them. There is a really rough exposition dump on Friel’s character as it heads into the third act that is probably the low point of the film for me, and begins the film’s mad dash to the finish line. It feels like one an “oh shit, we forgot to do that” sort of moment.

The third act of THE CLEANSE never really gels either. There’s the illusion of character growth, but we never really see it in practice. Spoiler: At the end of the film, Galecki and Friel get together and kill their metaphorical monster. It’s said that Galecki can be suffocating in a relationship, and we see bits of that throughout, but we never really see him become less suffocating. We never see Friel become less distant. We just see them get together at the end, and kill their “monsters”. It’s nice symbolism, but it feels kind of empty, as we never see the characters grow or change, due to the movie’s rush to it’s conclusion, particularly in the third act. Things just kind of happen. The third act of THE CLEANSE just kind of leaks onto the couch like my dog.

But, I can’t be mad at it. The movie is just so darn cute. I mean look at this guy:

Okay, so he gets a bit uglier as he grows up, but whatever. THE CLEANSE is a nice, goodhearted movie, and those qualities overcome its flaws for me. It also never feels that judgmental with regards to it’s subject matter. Sure, the cleansing in the woods is a bit new agey, and it’s easy for a cynical kind to roll their eyes at it, but it seems to legitimately help these people by the end of it. In an interview with Screen Anarchy, Miller said of the cleanse he based the movie on:

“People were really treating this thing like a religious experience, and had an outlook of “if I can get through this 10-day experience, I can get my life together.” I was that was odd [sic] and also kind of moving. “

I think that’s a nice attitude to have. I know the problems of the characters in THE CLEANSE can probably be qualified as “First World Problems”, or whatever phrase you want to assign to the them, but that doesn’t mean getting dumped doesn’t suck, or that losing your job isn’t a big bummer. It kind of reminds me of when people say, “I don’t like Country Music, because it’s nothing but guys whining about their dog dying, and their truck breaking down.” Well, yeah. I don’t like country music that much either, but those things do kinda suck, and if listening to someone sing about it gets you through the day, then more power to you.  Listen, it’s not good out there right now, and as long as you aren’t hurting anybody, whatever helps you is cool with me.

My dog is probably always going to do things that annoy me, and that’s fine.  You might lose your job, or your dog might shit in your shoe, or a movie that you like might fumble its third act, and you just have to accept that as well. Sometimes shit sucks, and you just have to remember how adorable your dog is.