“Face the pain, no escape, can you step to this?”
– Stemm “Face the Pain”
DEMON HOUSE is a new documentary from GHOST ADVENTURES star, and professional ghost hunter, Zak Bagans. GHOST ADVENTURES is a Travel Channel show that is surprisingly still on the air, and currently airing its 16th season. I’ve probably only seen a handful of GHOST ADVENTURES episodes, but I’ve seen enough to know that it is the best show on television. What separates GHOST ADVENTURES from the other “ghost hunter” shows on television is the fact that Bagans and co. aren’t afraid to fuck ghosts up –or they aren’t afraid to at least threaten to fuck ghosts up. I haven’t seen an episode where they actually fight the ghosts, but that I have seen episodes where they taunt the ghosts and say things like “If this is the portal to hell, then why don’t you come up out of that ground and get us?!” to them. Ghosts are fucking cowards, and Bagans isn’t afraid to tell them as much.
DEMON HOUSE is basically a feature length episode of GHOST ADVENTURES that features Zak Bagan’s buying the said-to-be-haunted “Ammons House” in Gary, Indiana. In 2011, Latoya Ammons, and her mother claimed that the house was home to numerous occurrences of paranormal activity that eventually forced them to flee in 2012. Bagan’s would buy the “Ammons House” in 2016, after being visited in a nightmare by a 12-Foot-Tall-Goat-Man-Demon a couple of years earlier. The 12-Foot-Tall-Goat-Man-Demon is important because it breathed black smoke into Bagans’ lungs– something that has caused a recent physical ailment according to Bagans– and it’s also the main demon associated with the occurrences in the “Ammons House”, showing up frequently throughout the film.
DEMON HOUSE is probably either silly, or scary, depending on whether you’re a sceptic of these things or not. I thought it was kind of fun in a GHOST ADVENTURES sort of way. Do I think the things in DEMON HOUSE actually happened? I don’t really care, honestly. What I do care about is the 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon, and wondering what would happen if the 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon and Zak Bagans were to have a mano-a-goatmano showdown. Below is my breakdown of the matchup between these two titans, and my prediction of the winner of the fight between Zak Bagans and the 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon from DEMON HOUSE.
SPEED/AGILITY/AWARENESS/ENDURANCE
Zak Bagans – It’s hard to get a good judgment on Bagans speed because most of the time he’s stuck in enclosed, or dark, areas. I don’t have his 40-yard dash time handy, and I can’t find any clips of him really getting out and running in the open. I did however find a clip of him running into a pole, and a clip of him slipping on ice while reading poetry, so I will use these two clips to judge his speed and agility.
Those clips are not promising. The main thing that these clips showcase is Bagans’ complete lack of awareness of his surroundings. If he were a quarterback in football, analysts would say that he has no “pocket awareness”, and he would probably get sacked quite a bit. It really doesn’t matter how fast you are if you have no clue where you are going.
I also found this clip of Zak walking into a door.
There’s another negative mark in the “awareness” column—something that Zak is going to need in this matchup. Granted, these are all in the dark, but still, Zak showcases no feel for his surroundings in any of these, and comes off as quite a doof.
Oh, there’s also this quote from GHOST ADVENTURES where he pleads with a ghost to stop running:
“Stop! Stop run-stop running!…Do not f***ing run!…Do not run! Stop running!…Do not run from this….We’re not running from you!”
Zak is really going to need his endurance in this fight, and between that quote, and the fact that the 12-Foot-Tall-Goat-Man-Demon already breathed black smoke into his lungs, I really question Zak’s stamina, and doubt he could go the distance.
Luckily for Zak I found this short clip of him “running” from a group of children.
He comes off a little better in this clip, but still, his form is nothing to write home about. Maybe it’s the jeans, but Zak looks like he could trip and topple over at any time. These are not good qualities if you want to overcome a 12-foot-tall Goat-Man-Demon.
12-Foot-Tall-Goat-Man-Demon – It’s a 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon
Advantage: 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon
STRENGTH/TOUGHNESS
Bagans – Bagans talks a big game, but as I said earlier, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him get into a fight with a ghost. He’s not a small man, and is obviously someone who works out, but size doesn’t necessarily equate to strength or toughness. For example, there’s a part in DEMON HOUSE where one of his co-workers sees a demon in the elevator (I think it’s 12-Foot-Tall-Goat-Man-Demon, but I don’t remember) and instead of confronting him, Bagans backs off. This does not fill me with confidence in the strength/toughness category. Plus, I have found numerous quotes from GHOST ADVENTURES that make me wonder if Zak could take the punishment of fighting a 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon. Here are a couple examples:
“Bro, I’m scared shitless. I’m ready to start crying now.”
“Wow, what a tough guy this guy is. I scratched the hell out of him, and he’s still coming for more. Well, damn right, I’m coming for more! I want to talk to the piece of shit who scratched me on my back, Come and do it again! Why did you do it on my back? Do it on my face! Scratch Aaron’s forehead! Why is it me? Because I’m the one talking all the shit.”
Also, most pictures of him on the internet involving him obviously pushing his biceps up, or flexing, and there are very few showcasing his legs, which are important in a fight, particularly one against a 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon, because the lower body would play a huge part in my strategy.
You aren’t going to be able to take down a 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon with punches, or grappling skills. I think your best bet is kicks. My strategy would be to see if I could wear down 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon with some kicks to the lower body. Look at those ankles.
Those are goat ankles. They don’t look very sturdy to me. If you can wear those down, and get the goat demon to lower itself, you might be able to land some stiff kicks to the head. I’m not sure if this strategy suits Bagans though. Speed isn’t a strength of his, plus he wears really baggy, and uncomfortable looking jeans judging by that clip of him running from the kids. I’m not sure how effective his kicking game could be.
12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon – It’s a 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon.
Advantage: 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon
INTANGIBLES
Bagans – Bagans talks trash a lot. He likes to try and get in the heads of the ghosts and demons he comes into contact with. The issue with Bagans’ trash-talking is that sometimes I’m not sure if it comes out in the way that he intends it to — but maybe that might work to confuse the 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon. Here are some past GHOST ADVENTURES examples of Bagans trash-talk:
“It’s just a very eerie feeling being in here, knowing some of these wax figures are dead now.”
“Something hit me, man. Like, the hearing in the left side of my face went numb.”
“I stand in the circular marker and that bird somehow connected with the energy of these oscillating lines and came in at that precise moment. The energy spoke to the bird to come in and to defecate on me.”
The other intangible I have to question is Bagans’ persistence. In DEMON HOUSE, he stays in the house by himself for one night, and then gets so freaked out by it that he decides to just tear it down. This is a house he bought by the way. I believe Nic Cage owns numerous haunted mansions, and I doubt that he has ever thought about tearing a single one of them down.
12-Foot-Tall-Goat-Man-Demon – It’s a 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon
Advantage: 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon
WINNER: 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon
Sadly, Bagans does not stand a chance, and the 12-Foot-Tall Goat-Man-Demon’s will soon have dominion over the land.